i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
