the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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