you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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