roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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