i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
