My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I just found puke in my bra..
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
