If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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