we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
