I wish my penis had an off switch
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We left an ass print on the piano.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
They have beer where we have blood.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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