Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
