I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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