Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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