So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
