i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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