Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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