I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
