He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
