anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
