Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
