I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize