if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
no you cant smoke seaweed
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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