Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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