Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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