I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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