Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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