we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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