so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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