Pappa wants mamma naked
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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