You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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