Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
