we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
