Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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