You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
