Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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