I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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