remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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