i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
