how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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