I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
