I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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