ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize