false alarm. still invincible.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
