The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
