Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
