remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
