My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
