you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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