I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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