If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
