Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
