dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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