capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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