i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
whose parrot is this?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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