The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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