so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
