Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
