The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
