my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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