is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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