We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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