I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
