3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
