I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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