i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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