I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize